Opinions are like assholes - everyones got one, but nobody wants to look at the other guy's. Hal Hickman %% The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress. %% Do something big -- fuck a giant %% Draft beer, not people %% God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft. %% God is an atheist. %% Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth. %% In the Garden of Eden sat Adam, Massaging the bust of his madam, He chuckled with mirth, For he knew that on earth, There were only two boobs and he had 'em. %% Chaste makes waste. %% Cunnilingus is next to godliness. %% Coito ergo sum %% God is not dead -- he's been busted %% The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the cactus has the pricks on the outside. %% Hugh Hefner is a virgin. %% I came; I saw; I fucked up %% Reagan can't _a_c_t either %% Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone. %% Cleveland still lives. God _m_u_s_t be dead. %% Getting an education at the University of California is like having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time. %% Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. %% Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the football game. %% Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man -- who has no gills. %% Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessy trapped. -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" %% "God built a compeling sex drive into every creature, no matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly preasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent merriment. "Needelss to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and lambs, rhinoceroses and bazelles, skylarks and lobsteres, even insects, though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one." -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" %% Occident: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient. %% "I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to watch him have another." %% I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me. -- R. Geis %% History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- i.e. none to speak of. -- Lazarus Long %% ...the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge. -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19 %% Them Toad Suckers How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods? Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs! Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers, Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers. Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy? Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy! Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south, Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth! How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it, Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it! -- Mason Williams %% There was an old pirate named Bates Who was learning to rhumba on skates. He fell on his cutlass Which rendered him nutless And practically useless on dates. %% There was a young man from Bel-Aire Who was screwing his girl on the stair, But the banister broke So he doubled his stroke And finished her off in mid-air. %% A pretty young lady named Vogel Once sat herself down on a molehill. A curious mole Nosed into her hole -- Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. %% A mathematician named Hall Has a hexahedronical ball, And the cube of its weight Times his pecker's, plus eight Is his phone number -- give him a call.. %% Said Einstein, "I have an equation Which to some may seem rabelaisian: Let _V be virginity Approaching infinity; Let _P be a constant persuasion; "Let _V over _P be inverted With the square root of _M_u inserted _N times into _V ... The result, Q.E.D., Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. %% A team playing baseball in Dallas Called the umpire blind out of malice. While this worthy had fits The team made eight hits And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. %% A bather whose clothing was strewed By breezes that left her quite nude, Saw a man come along And, unless I'm quite wrong, You expected this line to be lewd. %% There was a young lad name of Durcan Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. His father said, "Durcan! Stop jerkin' your gherkin! Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. %% There was a young girl named Saphire Who succumbed to her lover's desire. She said, "It's a sin, But now that it's in, Could you shove it a few inches higher?" %% A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? I am not I, I'm a tree." But another, more sane, Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" And covered his pants leg with pee. %% In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks." And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying, "It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now, the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength." And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the growth of the Laboratories." And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that it was Good! %% There once was a hacker named Ken Who inherited truckloads of Yen So he built him some chicks Of silicon chips And hasn't been heard from since then. %% There once was a plumber from Leigh, Who was plumbing his maid by the sea, Said she, "Please stop plumbing, I think someone's coming!" Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me." %% There once was a freshman named Lin, Whose tool was as thin as a pin, A virgin named Joan From a bible belt home, Said "This won't be much of a sin." %% Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful, licentious, dirty bum!! %% "When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that can't happen." -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal) %% There once was a couple named Kelley, Who lived their life belly to belly. Because in their haste They used Library Paste, Instead of Petroleum Jelly. %% CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range) Oh, give me a clone Of my own flesh and bone With the Y chromosome changed to X. And when she is grown, My very own clone, We'll be of the opposite sex. Chorus: Clone, clone of my own, With the Y chromosome changed to X. And when we're alone, Since her mind is my own, She'll be thinking of nothing but sex. -- Randall Garrett %% "If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a candidate." -- Jerry Dreshfield %% Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes. %% "As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that sort of being like for putting it in and not pulling it out? Even if it was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed." %% There once was a young man named Gene Who invented a screwing machine Concave and convex It served either sex And it played with itself inbetween. %% Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love? Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up. %% Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is needed. %% "White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair." %% He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Govenor -- Hell, they _H_A_D to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's qualified for! -- Michael Cain %% "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you didn't believe in God." "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears. "but the God I don't beleive in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be." -- Joseph Heller %% A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. -- Franklin D. Roosevelt %% Conservative: One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. -- Leo C. Rosten %% A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. -- Alfred E. Wiggam %% A pretty young maiden from France Decided she'd "just take a chance." She let herself go For an hour or so And now all her sisters are aunts. %% John Birch Society: That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy. -- Edward P. Morgan %% Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves. %% "A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and the police." -- Mr. Dooley %% Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he forgets? %% Grain grows best in shit -- U. K. LeGuin %% All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat, All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot; Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings, He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings. All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small, All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all. Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid. Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did. All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small. Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all. --Monty Python %% Immanuel Kant was a real pissant Who was very rarely stable. Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar Who could think you under the table. David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel, And Wittgenstein was a beery swine Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel. There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'Bout the raising of the wrist. Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed! John Stuart Mill, of his own free will, On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill. Plato, they say, could stick it away Half a crate of whiskey every day. Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle, Hobbes was fond of his dram, And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am" Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed; A lovely little thinker But a bugger when he's pissed! -- Monty Python %% Hackers do it with all sorts of characters. %% All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm place to shift. %% Hackers know all the right MOVs. %% Hackers do it with fewer instructions. %% Hackers do it with bugs. %% AI hackers do it with robots. %% AI hackers do it robotically. %% Mathematicians take it to the limit. %% Mathematicians do it in theory. %% Statisticians probably do it. %% Statisticians do it with 95% confidence. %% Physicists do it with charm %% Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning. %% Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal). %% Politicians do it to everyone. %% Procrastinators do it tomorrow. %% Communists do it without class. %% Evangelists do it with Him watching. %% God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends. %% The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit. %% There was a young lady named Hall, Wore a newspapaer dress to a ball. The dress caught on fire And burned her entire Front page, sporting section, and all. %% Missionary position: The missionary on top. %% O'Riordan's Theorem: Brains x Beauty = Constant. Purmal's Corollary: As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, availibility goes to zero. %% This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put "di-dah" for the filthy words. Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah, Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah; di-dah di-dah di-dah? Di-dah di-dah di-dah. Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck. %% There was a young whore from kaloo Who filled her vagina with glue. She said with a grin, "If they pay to get in, They can pay to get out again too!" %% Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and still come out ahead.